As this horrible year draws to a close

 As this horrible year draws to a close, and I hope that all gruesome discoveries have now come to light and 2025 hopefully can be a better year. A last whine and gripe post about the issues that has been haunting me this year. And hopefully the last text I'll ever write about issues connected to this year. A text so long-winded that I had to make a blogger post on this one...so this will be for those who are more curious than the average person...

The case in a nutshell: A third party have stated certain characteristics of me directly or indirectly to a great number of people over a substantial number of years. And an unknown amount of people over the years came to a situation where they could choose to believe that third party, or spend 30 seconds of their life to ensure that those characteristics were correct. With the very certain knowledge that if those characteristics were in any manner not 100% correct that this would have a catastrophic impact on my life, with a slight but well known risk of a fatal outcome (due to the combination of great shock and my well known health issues).

All of these people felt it was too much of a bother to spend 30 seconds to establish that the characteristics given of me were 100% correct. In essence, all of them were cowards, as the implicit and explicit excuse given was that because they didn't know, they didn't have any blame, guilt or responsibility for what happened and the consequences this has had on my life. All of those people belonging to a demography where words like consent are spoken about in loud terms but not actually followed up in real action. Where exploring their own desires are so important that they are able and willing to disregard even the most dire consequences their actions may have on the lives of others in order to get their way. Where making sure that they do not know certain facts are deemed as a matter of vital importance.

I have had to come to terms with people I regarded as friends for a couple of decades that knowingly and willingly kept silent about a situation that would be challenging for me to learn about with the full knowledge on their side that this situation was escalating and adding up more damage by the day, and even when the situation came to light they preferred to stay silent and watch me fall to what probably should have been my final demise. I was rescued by chance though, but even then it was only when I contacted them that I got some answers. But no guilt, shame, remorse or even a figment of responsibility was given from them. Not even a shallow "we're sorry". They have known for years that they had done me wrong, but chose to distance themselves rather than warning me or coming to my aid - when I was a person they talked about as a friend. One may say that this in itself has led to some severe trust issues. If I'll ever allow someone to become close to me again is an open question at this point.

For those who swear to therapy...a professional therapist was involved in a similar situation. That person didn't know me personally, but knew full well that the third party mentioned had a background that made the characteristics given of me to be not exactly trustworthy, and through that persons education and training and work as a professional therapist this was a person very well aware of just how severe the consequences might be if certain actions were initiated and the characteristics given of me were not checked and verified. And obviously facts were not verified and actions initiated, spending 30 seconds of time to make sure is obviously too much to ask for even of a professional therapist. Again a person willing to talk and give answers when contacted, but again a person that didn't see any reason at all for taking any responsibility for the consequences this had for me. And probably a person that at best had shrugged their shoulders if I had ended up in my final resting place due to this. To say that I have trust issues with therapists after this is a little bit of an understatement.

Many, many other people have been involved in this too, among them the only person besides my late biological father I have actually been a bit scared of. I have talked to many colourful people in my life: Persons involved in the higher ranks of drug distribution systems and a guy just released from prison for violent manslaughter to name a couple of the more colourful ones. These people felt safe and harmless compared to this one person. Someone living under the delusion of being a good person. Showcasing a delicate Dr. Jekyll persona to most of the world most of the time, but that turns into an extreme version of Mr. Hyde whenever that persona is under real or imagined threat - as long as that aggression can be kept away from the eyes of others that is. Protecting the persona and the self-delusion a subject of extreme and paramount importance for that person. And a person that prey upon vulnerable women as something of a hobby, with some extremely well-developed grooming skills. A creep, but a dangerous and extremely charming creep. I wouldn't be all that surprised if this is a person that at some point will end up with a severe prison sentence, while claiming to be innocent, framed and misunderstood. But, then again, as this person is a master manipulator I wouldn't be surprised if that person managed to evade any consequences for any severe incidents either of course. In the case of evading responsibility and consequences this is a person that rules at an Olympic level of expertise.

As long-winded as this text has become, it is but a little glimpse into what the year 2024 has been for me and the experiences this year has given me. The long form would probably demand a book.

But as one might surmise I have been less than balanced throughout this year, as learning about the above as well as all the myriads and truckloads of details I don't outline here has been rather emotionally destabilizing. For greater parts of the year I guess I have been in shock and shellshocked, and I still have nights where I don't sleep and days when thoughts and emotions run rampant. I have obviously done people wrong myself in the year that is soon to end. Lack of sleep and emotions in deep turmoil and being in a state of shock aren't exactly the ingredients for having a perfect mind, making the best and most rational decisions or even being able to think too much about others than myself. So my apologies for those that have been hurt by me along the way this year.

While I hope I will manage to become a slightly better version of myself in the coming year, and to be able to see a bit further beyond the tip of my own nose when it comes to that, 2024 is also a year that have changed me, and mainly for the worse. If I'll ever be able to return to be something close to the person I used to be I do not know. But if so, that is something that will take time. Probably a lot of time. My wounds are deep and as I'm not a youngster anymore the healing process will be slow and painful.